Essence of Time

The essence of time - intangible.

The mistake I make is always assuming I have another chance, that there will be more time. Despite knowing very well that I do not have the answer to the expiry of time. 

There are many examples but I quote the two recent ones that took place.

Both so close to my heart.

J - He left Singapore to take an extended break at places he loved. 

a. J created an Instagram account and asked me to follow him - which i refused 

and my refusal was out of willfulness, just for the sake of it

b. Till the day he was meant to fly, he asked for us to meet - I refused as well

my refusal was because we could always meet when he touched back down

c. He texted me while he was travelling but my replies were sparse to none

because it felt that he would always text me anyways

Now - he is dancing with the angels.

I cannot a. follow his instagram anymore because it's private, i can't see any of his remaining pictures, b. see him anymore ever, c. get a response from him ever again

All because I felt that there would be another chance. 

But there wasn't. 

There wasn't and there is still my lack of acceptance.

I may write now that he is dancing with the angels, but I will take it that he's on an extended trip.

He was 28 and I was 22. 

I am now 28 and he will always be 34. 

--

G - was a good friend. Friend from a place I frequented. It wasn't to the extend where we hung out but it was a good friendship. 

I was informed G would be moving to Australia to continue his work. (from G's colleagues)

Thought to reach out to him to wish him all the best in his move, and that we will see each other again next time. 

But I delayed every single time I typed the text - Reason: Don't ask me I don't have an answer for that really. 

Until the day I was being wishy washy still - I saw the picture on his profile removed.

Then I decided to click send but the message never went through - the number is now invalid.

--

So now I have an answer to a question I had from years ago:

Saying something you would regret or not saying something and regret wishing you said it

I would definitely say it... 

Honestly the worst thing is probably embarrassment.

But you literally have 1 life and only 1 life to be embarrassed. 

That's it for 2023 now peace out.

de ja vu

I only write when I'm sad.

Only sad people write.

Only people who write are sad.

Not sure which sentence seems most apt for today.

Maybe you think that when I write these emotional things, that I am sad. That I should learn to be happy. I think I am embracing this part of myself, albeit openly - or not considering the steep decline of views on this blog.

But in any case, it feels like a safe spot for me.

-

I did something stupid a few days back. In hindsight, I should have not done that.

But considering the fact that the deed has been done, I think a form of reflection is necessary.

It was a moment of spur; an act of lion heart courage that came at night. But when it hit the morning, it felt like it was the worst decision I have made. Then again, might as well go ahead with it and potentially move on.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling what I feel but I should perhaps been more considerate of the other party's feelings when they receive what they received from me.

It was likely a shock and feeling of creepiness lol more than anything else.

Did I really expect a response? It was too heavy content for that.

I took 9 days to respond to bread boy's love letter.

Will 9 days be enough for my deed to have a resolution?

-

In the face of rejection, at least I tried. And the past 2 years didn't work out; neither did this time - but maybe it will eventually.

Most of all, and I shouldn't be saying this despite it all; I'm sorry if I made you felt uncomfortable.

I have been so sad lately.

I have always been sad.

I guess I get it now, the quote - "To love at all is to be Vulnerable".

I don't ever like anything enough to want to fight for it.

Your heart, my hands

It’s been awhile.

I’ve grown used to writing, pen to paper. Typing my thoughts seem foreign to me right now.

So much have changed but one thing that’s stayed the same is the way I turn into an emotional person whenever I write/blog.

I don’t think i’ve matured much in the relationships corner – my feelings are ever so fragile, so fickled... In fact, i’ve gotten worse.

The further it is from me, the less I feel the need to have.

I learned that sometimes the best way to love something is to love it from afar.

Chances

Too often, I don't even offer chances to anyone or anything, I presume they don't want/need that chance to choose, so I take it all away. But I don't realize that by taking away their chances, I am selling myself short as well.

-

I have never lacked courage, not once. I have this enormous amount of courage that I don't ever know where I got it from. But I lack trust, the amount of courage I carry is the amount of trust I lack. I am daring enough to try, but cowardly lack of trust that there will be a positive result.

I ask before I do anything:

"Does it matter? Does it really matter?"

"What's the point?"

-

But today I am different, I want to give chances. I read my post on "Independence" ...

"and there will be a time that you reach the rim of growth that another person's existence turns vital to your growth."

I was talking about being independent, to learn to be by yourself because you're free to fully understand yourself but I also knew that there will be a point that you reach which you need another person in your life. And I feel like this is the moment.

-

I have to give you the chance to listen to me, if you want to be entwined with my emotions.
I have to give you the chance to reject me.
I have to give you the chance to ask me to let go/hold on.
I have to give you the chance to know how I feel.

And if I can't even give you a chance at all, how much of you do I even care for?

rainy days

I can never explain my love for rainy days, how it expresses the eternal sadness that I feel within me. It feels like I'm finally in sync with something. I love it when it rains, when the sky goes dark and the clouds are all grey. It one way or another, it is a reflection of my already broken heart.

When it rains, I think of you - of the loneliness you said you feel.

And then I wonder how the rain is making it worse for you...

Seedlings

This will be an extended post from my dayre - since I'm honestly intrigued by how people actually still visit this blog despite it being practically dead. Whether it's 100 views on 1 view, it's really amazing (lol)

I was mentioning on my dayre,

"I think you left pieces of you everywhere but never noticed how those seeds would start rooting deep into me. I did refrain from watering them – with memories, hope, love, reminiscing. Nevertheless, they were real strong ones. They toughed it out and stayed on, longer than I expected, longer than I wanted.

They are seedlings now.

How much more will they grow?"

 We don't always notice the things that would make an impact on us, only when they leave do we realize the gap they left behind.

They are now seedlings, should I remove them before they actually root deep into the soil?

-

Blogging things and then saving them as drafts seems to be my forte these days.