23/05

Maybe one day I'll run out of words to say, reach a point of incapability to string any order of 26 alphabets to represent the way I feel. Year by year as it all passes by, I hope for myself it's the last thing I could ever come up with for you, yet I would only find myself writing more than I did before. I know I cannot harp and linger on about you for the rest of my life or even for as much as two seconds, but this is yet another part of me that refuses to let it go. It has been 3 years since I last saw you, 4 years since it all happened, 5 since we were happy & 6 since our friendship started. 

I was reading through past diaries, looking through the brittle pages of our little exchanges and the faded ink of our pictures together. Yet in memory and heart, you're still very much alive, close and definitely not faded. I chanced upon a birthday note I wrote for you "I hope we'll still be friends 20 years down the road", ".....if you end up alone, let me be your last love". I was naive, I was silly, and I was young, I thought everything would remain the way it was; you as my best friend and that you'd only dedicate your time to me for– forever. Ironic hopes, because it couldn't even withstand a little brush from the wind–we were broken. I searched for that one photograph I tore yet painstakingly pieced it back together because it was an instant regret knowing I'd possibly lose touch of everything about you that means so much to me. Part of the note I wrote behind the photograph “I would forget you in 2013, I promise”. I wrote that back in 2009 thinking that 4 years could never come by that quick or the fact that I would still be so hopelessly lingering around, seeking for your presence in my life. This is the year I have to move on yet I find myself still very much stuck in the same spot you left me 5 years ago; broken. 

You refuse to give me any form of closure, instead you brush it all away like what we had never existed. I spend most nights reflecting on all possible reasons why things have ended the way it did, if there could be any other way that we could find ourselves at right now. 

Today, on the 7th year of our should-have-been friendship, I miss you more than I could ever miss anyone. Because I am only enlightened today that you're the only person I'd risk everything for, the person I keep running back to and you'll always remain as the only branch I'll never break. 

It only hurts the soul realizing that you can't let go, and I should have been long over you but I'm not. I still crave your presence everyday, I miss the way I bullied you outright yet you accepted it, take it in your stride and cared for me even more, because you know what a facade I've been building up. Only you took the time to tear it down, and you were the only person I let it. Right now, I build a stronger and taller wall, something no one is willing to spend time breaking. I miss you so much, I still hope every single day that one day, we could just have a proper meal together and close the chapter of us, to make a clean end to everything. Because as much as it may have ended for you, you have left me hanging and I am a hopeless fool willing to wait for the closure from you.

“Just because friendship fades, doesn't mean I've stopped caring”