Heart-wrenching moments

To: You

I'm utterly sorry from the very bottom of my heart. Trust me, trust me that I went through so much of thinking before making a choice like this. There's just so much to tell you. Just that 15 pages long of text isn't enough. It's not enough to explain my decision. And it's downright unfair to you if I don't write how I feel. I'm sorry I'm letting you go just through a bunch of words, I'm sorry I'm not phoning you up, I'm sorry I'm not meeting up with you to explain myself. Because I'm so much comfortable expressing myself with words. No one can ever understand this heart wrenching process I'm going through. Totally no one will.

We both come from different worlds, and I believe you and I understand that. I'm trying to make us work out but it has come to nothing. I thought love could conquer all but I realise that even if it does, it would all have been facaded in time to come. We had happy times, but most were those quarrells. Even if we were happy, or should I say, I was the only one happy all these while? Because even if we were getting along, it was only because you gave in to me. Your patience with me is far more that admirable. Even I felt that what I've done could not be forgiven and yet, you still could stand by me. I know you do love me. But I know if we go on, it's unfair especially to you.

Maybe you just haven't met 'her' yet. Like what I said in the text, I'm just a passing phase in your life. I felt sorry for your past relations and I'm trying to avoid being classified under those girls. But I can't. You're a nice guy and I'm sorry, sorry for taking advantage of the good you offered me. I know you deserve better, definitely someone better than me. It has been around 8 months my dear you. How did you manage to be compressed within my nonsensical antics? Because you love me. But all these while even though I know you're nice, I just keep taking advantages of you. You've been giving in to everyone, your family, your friends and me. I know how it feels like, so it's best you have less one person to take advantage of you.

I know you'll be hurt so immensely, I know. But I've got to do this. I've to hurt you now, in this short time. Rather than letting you live in a lie. I'm sorry I've totally forgotten your grad night was yesterday, sorry if I've had spoilt your mood. Sorry. I don't know what to do now, especially when I'm here now without you. For the past few months, I've been relying on you, yet now.... it's over.

I won't be getting anymore morning messages from you. I won't be getting anymore goodnight messages from you. I won't be having you. I just won't be having you no more. It's so hard for me now, I don't know what your "friends/brothers" will think of me, but I don't give a shxtz especially to X. Because it's between us.

Maybe now... I do not want you. Maybe in the future.... I will want you back. But what matters now is that, I've let you go to find someone better. Saying that in the future I might want you back is not giving you false hopes or making you still hold on to me. I said what I said only because I know that I still love you. But even so, you have to go. Maybe when I change myself to someone who I think you deserve of then would I return to you. Then again, I hope you find happiness, for I will try to get over you, someone who I can never be with. Mommy said... to let you go, to find the answer within my heart, to find the voice in me, to let you go.... Stay strong baby.

19 November 2009
With love,
Chloe