To regret these decisions

I've been contemplating for a while now, since the start of everything. Let me bring myself back a little to the start, when I first saw you. You were merely a crush, more of a motivation I'd say. You kept me going for the days I wished would end, and the things to do I wish I didn't. Then it grew somewhat into like, after knowing you're another. From then on, I told the people around me, "I will not talk to him anymore, I wanna distant myself from him" But I failed. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I FAIL. The same when I say "I'm not gonna talk to you anymore, forever and I'm serious", but how serious could I even get? I failed again. I can't see you struggle. Not a little at all, really wished that I could have perfected it a little more for you. It's funny how in the beginning I was literally begging you to treat me as a normal friend, to talk to me like how normal friends do. We've went through long conversations on what would be made of us, not "us" as in the what would we become but more of "us" as in what we were. But none of them were taken as seriously as I'd love to have it taken this time. It was 2 weeks ago, and for 2 weeks, I was perpetually procrastinating on sending you that text. I, regretted deeply the moment it was sent. But there are just things where you know that you should be doing. This time, I can really shut these eyes. For through the tests and all, I can see that there are so many better ones out there to help you out. You're completing that project, J could help you out. Well I could safely say you don't need me anymore. I've helped you all I can for your majority of work that you needed assistance and confirmation in. I'm betting on that, there are a few who are gloating at this decision I've made, cuz this may be what they were bent on achieving. Well, congratulations. You achieved it.

Well you know something? I don't know if I should be sad that even after saying all these, I may run back letting my ego down begging for your friendship or be sad that I may really lose you forever because there's not a chance for a stay? I don't know what should be done to make things right. We had a bad foot to the start of "us", and I hate that I'm letting it end on a bad "us" too. I thought things were okay, for the past few weeks that seemed all fine. But it was hard on me. Maybe yes, I'm taking the easier way out. But it's definitely not easy, just easier. They say freeing yourself is good, but I doubt that thinking. It's just gone, that drive. That drive to continually strive for the best, for you. Well yeah, maybe we shouldn't even have been friends in the first place. We shouldn't.

And even after all I said, did you even know that just one word at all, to ask me to stay and continue with what we have now, I'd stay. I'd stay, cuz you asked me to. But......... ___ ____ ______. ___ _____ ____ __ _______.

I just want the best for you, and for you to be happy, even if I'm not included in it.

xxx