Feelings...(again)

How many times a year, or a month even do I have to lose myself? I lose myself and I find someone else, and just when I thought "someone else" suited me fine, I lost it again and the cycles turns out to be almost endless.

I haven't been "tied down" for 2 years now, and I like how I'm living it. I know however, how much of an anti-social I've became. I hardly have "friends". I feel tired having to keep up with connections, and I'd rather spend time with myself. I'm tired of what everything wasn't supposed to be.

I've had plenty of crushes, little dates here and there, but nothing ever seem so huge. And sometimes I'm feeling like I've lost the ground I've once used to stood on to so firmly. I hate that sometimes I can be so vulnerable and weak, exposing everything that I shouldn't be revealing, not one bit of it. But I simply did, and I sound like some whiny emotional girl that I absolutely detest.

Major crushes, I do have. 3 of whom I've never really "met" but have seen before. 2, on the other hand are those I know can only stay as crushes.

Before I met the recent two crushes I had, I have never felt majorly inclined to be wanted, or to just change myself to whoever they wanted me to be. But after meeting the latest two, I hate to say how much I've lost myself, just way too deep.


But sometimes I build those walls around me, make it seem like I'm dominating, like I'm always the stronger party. Make it seem like I'm the one who walked away, like I knew it was going to end the way it ended. However, when it actually does crumble down... I totally just disperse into little bits floating in the air. I break down, and I'd be at a total loss of what's next to come.

And so if you're a party I've allowed to view my twitter account, you'd have read by now that I wanna give my last crush up should he not converse with me today. Because, although he showed inklings of the fact that he wanted to build something with me, I felt like it was always a lie, I was being played.

I'm strong like that, I'll walk away because I think it's for the better.

Although sometimes I'll ask myself,
"What if he was waiting for me to start the conversation?"
"What if he also thought the same way? That if I don't converse with him, he'll let me go?"
"What if he was truly busy?"

What if what if what if..............

I refuse to allow myself to believe in "What Ifs" 

I will give up on you if I've received nothing at all from you because I believe a "Hi" is not so difficult to convey to me.

It will tinge the heart a little, but I'll be just fine.

Sigh,

/edit: the same I edited the post above, i clearly see how you lose interest in someone so quickly. and i'm okay honestly. i'm okay :)