Day 2 of 11

1. Caught The Dark Knight Rises !!

2. Cute boy opened door for me as I with many bags, little gesture but means a lot

3. Met up with Rhian + Hady + Ezra + Mayank

4. ............

I don't know. I just know I'm happy already. I don't need to go through this healing process. I'm leaving @blwkssstchl aside. Back to @chloechong now.

And for classmates, stalking this blog of mine, my twitter account is public! Feel free to stalk me and create troubles out of nothing again :)

Ha ha ha. Alright.............. I'm so happy.

11-Day Healing Process

I know how you can fall in and out of love so I'm always prepared. You know you have to give up but at times your heart simply grabs on to a string of hope.

So, I conjured a 11-day healing process for myself. I'd not tweet for 11 days. And within the 11 days if he does not hold a conversation with him, I'd give up. I'd continue with my healing process part 2. But, in a surprising twist of events (haha), you've unfollowed me on twitter. Oh boy, does all these failed relationships ALWAYS have to end up with one unfollowing the other? Sigh, I wish for more maturity, honestly.

In any case, I decided, for the next 11 days, every day I will post 11 things that make me happy. Because I know I can be happy even without you.

11 will always hold a special meaning to me, I will never look at 11:11 the same again. I can't be making a wish on it, or whatsoever... Every single time I see the number 11, it will only remind me of you.

I will always care for you. I'll start the healing process tomorrow. :)

Thoughts

"If you don't call me all day I understand, when you don't text me all day I understand, when I stop loving you I hope you understand."

I almost don't feel anything for this quote in the past, when everyone RT-ed it, or when they are sharing statuses about it, I could never relate to it. Now, I reckon I could. It is okay if we don't talk all day or even if we hardly talk in weeks, I understand. But when it all goes down, feelings come and they go. When I'm over you, I am over you and nothing you say would change my mind. You're my Achilles heel now I admit, I run back to you at your beck and call but I could tell you in all honesty, this will end. I will stop going crazy for you. I will. And by then, I will leave.

You can flirt, you can hang out with them girls, you can do anything you like/love up to you. That's your problem. My problem is that I'm in love with you. And as long as I feel this way, I will continue to love you, until these feelings go. Everything that is going on right now is your call. I will be touched by another guy sooner or later, I can't constantly fight my thoughts against other guys.

But most importantly, I do not and cannot force you to feel something you don't feel.

I know, now how it feels. And even so, right now, all I'm left with is to trust and believe in you. 

I trust that I'm your only one.

Thoughts.

I guess I know why I've had "Little thoughts" for 4 years now. Because I over-think a lot of issues. So many little thoughts, all around. Today, I hope that in blogging, I can arrive at an answer by the end of this post. I must source a solution, I honestly refuse to continue being so miserable.

I guess I have never really ever talked about or really opened up about "The Ex", The Ex being the last boyfriend I had. Yes, that Malay boy. I am truly amazed by myself, that if anyone would to ever ask, ones I considered as my boyfriends, were only 2 Malay boys. I have always been uncontrollably attracted to them.

He, was very loving towards me, my ex. He honestly was. He would send me home everyday without fail after school, right up to my doorstep if he could. He was the kind of boyfriend that is always there for you, he will never fail you. So, what went wrong? I guess to begin with, I had a crush on him, I liked him, and I definitely loved him as a person. But I reckon, I was never "in love" with him. 7 months of dating. And within such a short time, he showed how bad of a gentleman he could be. He hurled verbal abuses at me when he thought that I was flirting with other guys (without getting facts right). He threatened to hurt my best guy friend, he wanted to pick a fight with my classmates. He was a smoker, his friends weren't the best of influences, he never really put in effort in studying. He was that kind of guy. As a boyfriend he was good, as a person, he definitely wasn't. Although he was sweet and loving, when he flares up, I feel that if he had a chance, he would kill me or simply beat me(he never did though). He never appreciated the things I did for him (handmade stuffs), all that mattered to him was in monetary terms. And one thing I could NEVER accept, was how "protective" he was of me, I could never wear "revealing" clothes, I reckon I couldn't even have a proper conversation with a guy should he be around. It was getting to me, and on graduation night... I broke up with him. Cruel? No. That was the last I'd ever see him, I had to make things clear. Yes I miss him, I miss how sweet he was, all the poems he wrote for me, the gifts he had for me, but I had to let him go because I realized, I never really "loved" him. I had to let go. Well, I did. And, less than a month within our breakup, he got together with this other girl and has been together since. Which would probably be close to 2 years now. It justified my decision in letting him go because he did, found someone better for him, someone better than me.

Wordy huh, that chunk?

If you've been following me on twitter, I'm guessing you should know who I like... well unless you're plain naive or simply nonchalant. Either ways... I don't know what I should do now.

I like him, I like him so much I think it's love. I love him. But will it be possible to even be in love with someone you've never even hung out with? I don't even know. The things he say, the way he makes me feel...

As much as promises are made, I promised my life to my ex that I would always love, that I'd always be with him and all the what not.

He made promises to me too, this new one. As convincing as they sound, I accept it with a weak heart. I do not know what to do now. I.. don't even know how or what.

Will I be better off pushing him away? Or more like will he be better off without me? I'm dead sure he's tired of me being so crazy. He's tired of me thinking so much. He's tired of reassuring me. BUT I NEED IT. I need it... because he's so attractive. Feels like he has girls pawing all over him. I don't know why I am blogging this. And I don't know what to say next, my brain cells are burnt.

I just know that I'm in love with him. I am. And... it sucks to know that I may lose him after all. Precisely because I know that...you guys know me, I will walk away before I'm left. 

Fml :-(
 

I am ugly like that, will you still want me?

The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay

“I can live without you but, without you i'd be miserable at best.”

This sentence revolving around me continually. I've been living 17 years of my life without you, and I don't see why I'd die or have any calamity befall on me should you leave me. But the truth is, if you ever leave, I'd truly be miserable at its best.

Mentioned that I should blog when I'm happy...I am..partially happy? So...I just feel that whilst I have this emotion in me, I should probably blog something on a happy note.

I am happy. I know how it doesn't sound convincing at all, but I am happy; sort of.

The little things that people do in life, can basically light up your day, unexpectedly. Take how this guy was willing to give way to me while queuing up, or the fact that a random stranger came up to me with a rose and asked me to smile because he said I'd look a hell lot better if I did, perhaps like when another offered to carry my bags of purchases because he felt like I was struggling. These guys, I never knew yet, they plastered a smile on my face.

I was terribly upset yesterday, I know. But I can't help it because sometimes I'm just filled with all these thoughts. I'm a girl and I think. A lot. I'm still learning to rein these emotions in. To, express myself like a guy. I'm still learning.

To be quite frank, I still am thinking about all the things I thought about yesterday. Although, I don't feel the immense sadness as I did before, it still lingers around me.. I will try to be happy.

Because it pains me when, you're sad and I'm the cause of it.

Okay haha this is sounding more sad as compared to it being partially happy.

I'm not really hoping you read this.... But if you happen to:
I just want to say how thankful I am for having you as part of my life. For being ever so tolerant towards my insecurities. And how you always do the things that make me smile. I'm gratify upon having you.

-

Sometimes it's just weighing on me, all the what if(s)... I carry such huge amounts of negativity around me.

Okay I give up in making this a happy post haha. It sounds so so so sad. I promise the next time, it'll be something happy.

................not a very happy picture either. lol

Sad

I swear I was going to start this post on a happy note. I wanted to be happy, at least in this space. But........... I saw something that made me really upset. Made me tear..... tearing now. It hurts. I don't know what to feel right now.

How hard is it to show how much you feel for someone?

Especially when all I ever talk to my friend is only all about you?

Is it that difficult to understand how much a person wants only you despite all the other s/he may get from other girls/uys?

whatever i've been in and out of this shit, i'll be okay when the sun rises.

Without you I'd be miserable at best

I should learn to blog when I am happy. Because I know how at this point of time, that if you've been reading this space, I'm most certainly portrayed as someone who is always in continual sadness; which I am not. I was happy, happy for the past week before shit happens, before my mind blows certain small issues into earth-shattering ones.

Two songs to describe what I'm feeling: Breakeven(The Script) / Miserable at Best(Mayday Parade)

I'm not sure if I feel broken, or sadness? Or maybe none. Just helpless. Perhaps, it's all of the above, and sometimes too much of something, simply numbs you. Numb to the point where you feel as though everything's picture perfect when it's all breaking apart. This is hard.

I'm submerged in my very own puddle of guilt. Although, honestly, I feel there's nothing to feel guilty about. Yet somehow, guilt is able to find its way to my heart, and it's certainly making me feel extremely miserable. I cannot comprehend how wretched this whole episode makes me resemble. I feel horrible.

I wish not to make the issue of this post too obvious, nevertheless, I cannot fathom how you'd try your luck with someone, when you clearly know that s/he has something on with your friend. I've always acknowledged that making new friends regardless of their gender is always acceptable; even if you're attached. Although, at the very end, you feel that it was wrong, it still got me feeling so perplexed; the way you said those words. It was inappropriate. Honestly.

Yet in this whole chapter, I'm the one feeling so bitter when I clearly know it's not my issue. For all that, it made me realize how much I felt for him. I do not want to lose him. It's funny how I'm building my feelings on something so volatile.

I don't feel good at all, I feel absolutely miserable. MISERABLE. 

Always thought this phrase was true "I'm good by myself, but I'm better with you", guess it's vice versa. You are good with me, but I'm sure you're better without.

I don't know what's the point of this post, but I guess I really needed to spill these emotions, like my previous post said, I really need a bank to deposit all my feelings in. I'm obviously appearing too vulnerable and........ quite frankly, weak.

Shall end this loser post with a picture I found on tumblr:

 :( you're the best thing i've got right now, and to lose that, would send me back to...nothingness.

I need a bank to deposit all these feelings away

And so it's true. I am weak. But I cannot comprehend why I've turned from nearly bullet proof to a puddle of water so quickly.

I favorite-d a string of tweets from Jenell's twitter (@vegasxlights) last night because it was exactly what I had felt:

"I cannot force you to feel something that you don't. I cannot force you."

"This one-sided thing: never works."

"I accept, I take it in my stride. Though a part of me habours hopes, I must and will accept that it will never happen"

"Self sacrifice. The road's hard but I believe one day, my patience will pay off. And if it doesn't, I have learnt. If nothing happens, then I myself know that what I have done is amazing may another that deserves it gets it." 

-

These feelings are killing me, but the fact is that as I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for him. I lose myself completely when it comes to him. I shouldn't be in such a situation, but I allowed myself.

And I tweeted "Refusal to give in to the burning inclination of conveying a respond to you", yet I could still, knowing that I shouldn't respond, conveyed one to you.

As much as I'm trying to make this work my way, it all seems like it's going your way. YOUR GAME. YOUR PLAY. I'm just waiting for the dice to make my move.

I've never felt this weak before, are you happy already, that you got me all under your fingers?

Words

I'm always in such a contradictory mood that even I don't know what or why I could even be feeling this way. I have always said, that words don't hurt me and will never carry any weight to me but only today that I've realized how wrong this statement was. Words, don't hurt that's true, but only because the person doesn't matter. When someone matters the most to you, that's when it hurts the most.

When it's someone you care about, everything that they say, even a "Hi" could be a probable path to your smile. But when it's someone you hardly care about, no matter how much sweet-nothings that they say to you, you'll not even bother to give them a second look.

His words, feel me with temporary joy. Because of the very fact I know that he's always blowing hot and cold towards me. He can ignore me out straight but when he starts a conversation with me, it's as though it's a spell I've gotten myself into, and I'm always smiling to myself. He's way beyond "perfection". When he's sweet, he's really sweet, and the worst part of being on the losing end of this whole chapter is that he always sounds so convincing to me.

Hot. Cold. Last night it was hot, tonight it is cold. 

I doubt this will lead me anywhere but I thought I'd simply share the thoughts I had with me, that words do carry weight should the person mean something to you.

Tell me what I can do to pull myself out of such a hopeless situation, nearing the turn of a lost cause.

Hot, and cold. Hot, and cold. I'm just like your option when you're bored.

I would very much love to curse and swear about you but I rather not right here, because at the end of the day I know that no matter how long you remain cold to me, as long as you start the conversation just by saying "Hi", I can't help but to fall so hopelessly into this endless pit hole.

I'm basically so weak when it comes to you, I'm a sucker for you.

Perfect Two (Break-up Version)

[LYRICS]

[Verse1]
We always used to talk real late after midnight
Now the only thing we do on the phone is fight
Is there a way to make this go away
I don't think that we're gonna be okay

You were my hero and I was your sidekick
Now you're gonna be the tear that I cry when we split
Baby I don't think that I can do this
It seems so wrong makin` up with only one kiss

[Hook]
Don't think that I could ever be
Able to stay with you now baby
Cuz in time I know that we'll both see
We're not meant to be

[Chorus]
Cuz you're the one who makes me cry
You would never ever save me
All your words are full of lies
You're not the one I wanna marry

Cuz baby can't you see
We're just a fantasy
There's nothing we can do
We're not the perfect two

We're not the perfect two
We're not the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're not the perfect two

[Verse2]
I thought you were my prince and I was your princess
Now that we're here all of that is meaningless
I think I was a fool for letting you fill the spaces
Between my hands and my diary pages

You used to be the one that made me happy
You used to tell me you were lucky to have me
Now you're as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care cuz we're no longer together

[Hook]
Don't think that I could ever be
Able to stay with you now baby
Cuz in time I know that we'll both see
We're not meant to be

[Chorus]
Cuz you're the one who makes me cry
You would never ever save me
All your words are full of lies
You're not the one I wanna marry

Cuz baby can't you see
We're just a fantasy
There's nothing we can do
We're not the perfect two

We're not the perfect two
We're not the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're not the perfect two

[Bridge]
You know that I'll never love you
Like the way I ever used to
But you know I will remember you

Now that I'm gone I smile
It took me quite awhile
To see we won't walk the aisle

[Chorus]
Cuz you're the one who makes me cry
You would never ever save me
All your words are full of lies
You're not the one I wanna marry

Cuz baby can't you see
We're just a fantasy
There's nothing we can do
We're not the perfect two

We're not the perfect two
We're not the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're not the perfect two

I'm truly upset.

I don't want to give you up.

/edit: I am fine :) Got over it. Just thought I should let whoever who is reading this now know.

x

/edit x2: Gosh I'm weird I know. Within a short span of 30 minutes, my mind changes again. It's okay even if it isn't the way it is. I'll keep trying until he wants me. Or.... some sort. I won't give up. I WON'T GIVE UP.

Feelings...(again)

How many times a year, or a month even do I have to lose myself? I lose myself and I find someone else, and just when I thought "someone else" suited me fine, I lost it again and the cycles turns out to be almost endless.

I haven't been "tied down" for 2 years now, and I like how I'm living it. I know however, how much of an anti-social I've became. I hardly have "friends". I feel tired having to keep up with connections, and I'd rather spend time with myself. I'm tired of what everything wasn't supposed to be.

I've had plenty of crushes, little dates here and there, but nothing ever seem so huge. And sometimes I'm feeling like I've lost the ground I've once used to stood on to so firmly. I hate that sometimes I can be so vulnerable and weak, exposing everything that I shouldn't be revealing, not one bit of it. But I simply did, and I sound like some whiny emotional girl that I absolutely detest.

Major crushes, I do have. 3 of whom I've never really "met" but have seen before. 2, on the other hand are those I know can only stay as crushes.

Before I met the recent two crushes I had, I have never felt majorly inclined to be wanted, or to just change myself to whoever they wanted me to be. But after meeting the latest two, I hate to say how much I've lost myself, just way too deep.


But sometimes I build those walls around me, make it seem like I'm dominating, like I'm always the stronger party. Make it seem like I'm the one who walked away, like I knew it was going to end the way it ended. However, when it actually does crumble down... I totally just disperse into little bits floating in the air. I break down, and I'd be at a total loss of what's next to come.

And so if you're a party I've allowed to view my twitter account, you'd have read by now that I wanna give my last crush up should he not converse with me today. Because, although he showed inklings of the fact that he wanted to build something with me, I felt like it was always a lie, I was being played.

I'm strong like that, I'll walk away because I think it's for the better.

Although sometimes I'll ask myself,
"What if he was waiting for me to start the conversation?"
"What if he also thought the same way? That if I don't converse with him, he'll let me go?"
"What if he was truly busy?"

What if what if what if..............

I refuse to allow myself to believe in "What Ifs" 

I will give up on you if I've received nothing at all from you because I believe a "Hi" is not so difficult to convey to me.

It will tinge the heart a little, but I'll be just fine.

Sigh,

/edit: the same I edited the post above, i clearly see how you lose interest in someone so quickly. and i'm okay honestly. i'm okay :)