31ST JULY 2014

Happy birthday to the one, and the only person who's been a permanent resident staying in the heart for 6 years now.

Like I've said last year, and that I'd reiterate again this year, I'm always grateful for your existence not only in this world but the fact that you've wholly existed in mine. Each year I attempt to write a little lesser, only to find out that whatever I have left suppressed, multiplied tenfold.

You're a habit I cannot shake off, a habit I refuse to attempt quitting. And maybe as each year goes by, it feels only routine that I should keep a little of you to continue growing. I know that what I'm used to now, may after all not be love at all. I am probably an extremely concerned familiar stranger. I reckon the love I shared for you never left, but the way I am starting to care is increasing.

I have always thought that closure would bring me to happiness. But it only guided me to seeing that I am really just better off alone. I am never one for two. It has always been about myself and I refuse to let others in. I cannot deny that I try my best to keep myself updated with how you are doing during 2011-2013 and I absolutely have to admit that I was happy when you and her ended. Obviously because I thought you'd come back to me. Only to realize you've moved on once again.

I am so pleased, so thankful when you decided to clear things up with me this year. However, the irony in that is it makes me sadder whenever I'm feeling "sad" as compared to the emptiness and sadness previously. Because, I found out we could never be. The thing about closure is, you get an ending, but it hardly ever is the one you're hoping for. Before the closure, I had a tinge and slithering bit of hope, but now, I carry only a heavy heart. The fact that I have never realized you felt anything for me, and that after I felt something for you, you left. The fact that I see you doing so much and sharing so much of your love for N. I feel like I was simply really ultimately just a passing phase for you.

I will be honest, I wanted to try how it would be like for us to be kinda "together" right now in this year, after we have all grown up. But the truth is, I know I will not be enough for you, because I was, is and will always be lousy at being nice to you. As likely as not, I will hurt you again, only this time, twice as hard. And I realized we could never be what I wanted us to be.

I remember every detail of your face, the way your hair runs, and the way your smile always charms. But that will only be kept. You will simply always be just a habit for me. A habit to talk about, a habit that allows me to understand what sadness and emptiness is about.

And we can never truly be friends, if possible for you, then you either never liked me or that you still like me now. All we can be right now, are just "friends" that talk once in a while, "friends" that wish each other on special occasions, and "friends" that will always care but not necessarily shown.

That is all you should be to me right now, and your new-found status is something I will work hard to digest in my system.